Dear Patron,
It has never ceased to amaze me the things that you will wear in public. Items ranging from fat baring t-shirts to the short shorts which also expose a bit of crack. Is there a particular reason you decide that these outfits are acceptable for public display? Did your mother tell you that your muffin top was attractive and you should show it to everyone you meet?
I often want to take pictures, print them and hand them to you just so you'll know how others see you. Not that it would dissuade you from making these choices, but perhaps it would give you an image of yourself that will forever be burned into your retinas.
I would also like to know when onesies became something adults wear. Is this a new fad that I was not aware of? Are you showing your hunting prowess by wearing one in camouflage? Are you trying to avoid having to tuck in your shirt, wear a belt, don suspenders? Why wear a onesie? One thing for sure this does not in any way make your more attractive to "smart" ladies. It does however make you look like an idiot. However, it also makes me laugh, shake my head and wonder, but laugh none the less.
That being said - please look in the mirror before you leave home. If you're showing
a) too much skin
b) crack of any hinder parts
c) rolls
d) or are wearing just an overall hideous outfit.
Please go home and change. We'd really like to show that people with some class frequent our establishment.
Much criticisms,
Ripsy
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Letter #19
Dear patron,
While I realize that you are in here every single day for most of the day, you somehow managed to get a volunteer position here in our building and you definitely know the ropes around this place...
1) Please do not talk over the top of me when I am speaking to another patron. Don't talk over, around, underneath, I don't care what input you have while I am speaking. If you have a useful suggestion or helpful comment, please wait until I am done, then speak up.
2) Because you're in here a lot, I have every reason to believe you know what the rules are, but for some reason there are a handful that seem to go directly over your head. I don't know how this is or why this is, but despite them being written and told to you in plain english (which I know you can speak, if not spell) you cannot grasp them. These rules include but are not limited to the following.
a) Do not yell across the room to get our attention. At best, we will ignore you. At worst, we will get pissed.
b) Do not interrupt staff
c) Do not monopolize a staff person's time. No matter how familiar we are with your enormous, eavesdropping face, we are not going to spend more time with you than others.
d) Simply because we've taken the time to walk you through how to do something, doesn't mean we want to sit and chat about whatever the hell it is you want to print out.
e) We will not do anything for you. If you want someone to do crap for you, hire them. If you want to learn how to do something, go to a library.
f) If I told you not to run because your morning speedwalk (likely the only exercise you get) has turned into a jog, don't drop down to a walk and then tell me you weren't running. I'm not blind, I'm not stupid, and despite all the high-friction jiggling going on there, I know the difference between speedwalking and jogging. You were jogging. If cute little kids aren't allowed to run, certainly you aren't.
g) Do not yell questions at staff from twenty to fifty feet away simply because you're too lazy to get off your ass and walk up to my desk. Sitting there going "HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY CAN YOU HELP ME? HEY. I HAVE A QUESTION. HEY. HEY. PSSSSSSSSSST. HEY. PSSST. PSSST. HEY. HOW DO YOU SPELL THE WORD 'YET'? HEY. PSSSSST," is not going to help your cause.
Try, for one moment, even a minute, remember that staff smiles and chats because we are being paid to give good customer service. We don't give a shit about who you are dating this time, whether he has a prosthetic, or how mean he is. This isn't a counseling session, we aren't therapists. If you would like a number for a hotline, a helpline, or the contact information for one? Absolutely, but unless you're about to fall over in front of our desk, it's not our problem and we don't care.
Sure, most of this is pretty petty. Honestly, it is. One of these issues, we're not going to give a shit about but the very fact that most days a combination of a minimum of 2-3 of these happen means we are going to run out of patience. One of these days, you are going to be yelling me from your computer and I'm going to stand up and you will hear every word in full, scathing voice of t his rant, delivered loud enough for everyone in the building to hear about and if you are lucky? I will only make you cry instead of abbreviating this rant with a hand grenade.
Miss Misanthropy,
Library Assistant
While I realize that you are in here every single day for most of the day, you somehow managed to get a volunteer position here in our building and you definitely know the ropes around this place...
1) Please do not talk over the top of me when I am speaking to another patron. Don't talk over, around, underneath, I don't care what input you have while I am speaking. If you have a useful suggestion or helpful comment, please wait until I am done, then speak up.
2) Because you're in here a lot, I have every reason to believe you know what the rules are, but for some reason there are a handful that seem to go directly over your head. I don't know how this is or why this is, but despite them being written and told to you in plain english (which I know you can speak, if not spell) you cannot grasp them. These rules include but are not limited to the following.
a) Do not yell across the room to get our attention. At best, we will ignore you. At worst, we will get pissed.
b) Do not interrupt staff
c) Do not monopolize a staff person's time. No matter how familiar we are with your enormous, eavesdropping face, we are not going to spend more time with you than others.
d) Simply because we've taken the time to walk you through how to do something, doesn't mean we want to sit and chat about whatever the hell it is you want to print out.
e) We will not do anything for you. If you want someone to do crap for you, hire them. If you want to learn how to do something, go to a library.
f) If I told you not to run because your morning speedwalk (likely the only exercise you get) has turned into a jog, don't drop down to a walk and then tell me you weren't running. I'm not blind, I'm not stupid, and despite all the high-friction jiggling going on there, I know the difference between speedwalking and jogging. You were jogging. If cute little kids aren't allowed to run, certainly you aren't.
g) Do not yell questions at staff from twenty to fifty feet away simply because you're too lazy to get off your ass and walk up to my desk. Sitting there going "HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY CAN YOU HELP ME? HEY. I HAVE A QUESTION. HEY. HEY. PSSSSSSSSSST. HEY. PSSST. PSSST. HEY. HOW DO YOU SPELL THE WORD 'YET'? HEY. PSSSSST," is not going to help your cause.
Try, for one moment, even a minute, remember that staff smiles and chats because we are being paid to give good customer service. We don't give a shit about who you are dating this time, whether he has a prosthetic, or how mean he is. This isn't a counseling session, we aren't therapists. If you would like a number for a hotline, a helpline, or the contact information for one? Absolutely, but unless you're about to fall over in front of our desk, it's not our problem and we don't care.
Sure, most of this is pretty petty. Honestly, it is. One of these issues, we're not going to give a shit about but the very fact that most days a combination of a minimum of 2-3 of these happen means we are going to run out of patience. One of these days, you are going to be yelling me from your computer and I'm going to stand up and you will hear every word in full, scathing voice of t his rant, delivered loud enough for everyone in the building to hear about and if you are lucky? I will only make you cry instead of abbreviating this rant with a hand grenade.
Miss Misanthropy,
Library Assistant
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Letter #18
Dear Hilarious Patron,
You have amused me greatly today with your exuberant display of thankfulness. I am sorry if it appeared that I was laughing at you. I wasn't. I was enjoying the fact that I had indeed made someones day. I know it wasn't much, but if I had know you'd do a dance and praise the lord when I told you that "as long as your fines were below $10.00 you could check materials out. no, you don't have to pay anything today." I would have for sure said something sooner. I think you are the first person I've ever heard who said "oh thank you, Jesus. Praise Jesus! I was worried I wouldn't be able to get books or movies". That being said I'd like to thank you for paying $1.00 towards your fines. you've rocked out... absolutely.
You made my day,
Ripsy
You have amused me greatly today with your exuberant display of thankfulness. I am sorry if it appeared that I was laughing at you. I wasn't. I was enjoying the fact that I had indeed made someones day. I know it wasn't much, but if I had know you'd do a dance and praise the lord when I told you that "as long as your fines were below $10.00 you could check materials out. no, you don't have to pay anything today." I would have for sure said something sooner. I think you are the first person I've ever heard who said "oh thank you, Jesus. Praise Jesus! I was worried I wouldn't be able to get books or movies". That being said I'd like to thank you for paying $1.00 towards your fines. you've rocked out... absolutely.
You made my day,
Ripsy
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Letter # 17
Dear Child Patron,
While I realize that it is cruelty to cut off your only source of fun by blocking your card from internet usage, I also realize that it's unmitigated stupidity to let you continue to use a card when you've shown no responsibility to return items you know are late thus incurring hefty fines that I know you yourself cannot pay. You can obviously bring yourself to the library so now it's time to learn about being a grown up. Grown ups have to pay fines and return books. If they don't, then guess what, their privileges get cut off. It happens. Deal with it. Learn responsibility the hard way. c'est la vie.
Oh and by the way, talking to one of my co-workers and expecting a different response. Yeah, not gonna happen. Sorry.
Hope you've learned,
Ripsy
While I realize that it is cruelty to cut off your only source of fun by blocking your card from internet usage, I also realize that it's unmitigated stupidity to let you continue to use a card when you've shown no responsibility to return items you know are late thus incurring hefty fines that I know you yourself cannot pay. You can obviously bring yourself to the library so now it's time to learn about being a grown up. Grown ups have to pay fines and return books. If they don't, then guess what, their privileges get cut off. It happens. Deal with it. Learn responsibility the hard way. c'est la vie.
Oh and by the way, talking to one of my co-workers and expecting a different response. Yeah, not gonna happen. Sorry.
Hope you've learned,
Ripsy
Monday, May 10, 2010
Letter # 16
Dear Patron,
Yes, I am super impressed that you're in the process of writing a book. What was that? You haven't started yet you're just thinking about it. Oh. How interesting. It's about Pontius Pilate: vampire? Really? Hrm. Well, that should be an educational subject. I'm sure it's fascinating. Now please, go tell that guy over there your theory. He looks like the type to read that sort of genre and he might be able to discuss in detail some ideas with you.
Have fun,
Ripsy
P.S. Once you have your manuscript done, bring it in as proof, then I'll believe you can "write" a book.
Yes, I am super impressed that you're in the process of writing a book. What was that? You haven't started yet you're just thinking about it. Oh. How interesting. It's about Pontius Pilate: vampire? Really? Hrm. Well, that should be an educational subject. I'm sure it's fascinating. Now please, go tell that guy over there your theory. He looks like the type to read that sort of genre and he might be able to discuss in detail some ideas with you.
Have fun,
Ripsy
P.S. Once you have your manuscript done, bring it in as proof, then I'll believe you can "write" a book.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
A Letter from the Ref Desk #4
Dear Patron,
We have no fewer than 5 different items with the title of "Rose". No, the qualifier of "really thick" does not help me narrow it down!
Please come and see us again when you have more information,
Your Local Library Specialist
We have no fewer than 5 different items with the title of "Rose". No, the qualifier of "really thick" does not help me narrow it down!
Please come and see us again when you have more information,
Your Local Library Specialist
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Letter # 15
Dear Patron,
It's called a library, not a liberry. If we were serving berries here then maybe I'd understand the whole mispronunciation, but at this point I really just think you're too stupid to say it properly. That was mean, yes. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry. Please remember that the library is a place to educate yourself. When you leave you should have learned something... even linguistics. Mmm'kay?
Alright, now that you've been told the next time you come up to the desk and ask for a liberry card I'm going to tell you that you can get one at the gas station across the street.
You're welcome,
Ripsy
It's called a library, not a liberry. If we were serving berries here then maybe I'd understand the whole mispronunciation, but at this point I really just think you're too stupid to say it properly. That was mean, yes. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry. Please remember that the library is a place to educate yourself. When you leave you should have learned something... even linguistics. Mmm'kay?
Alright, now that you've been told the next time you come up to the desk and ask for a liberry card I'm going to tell you that you can get one at the gas station across the street.
You're welcome,
Ripsy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)