Letter #18

Dear Hilarious Patron,

                      You have amused me greatly today with your exuberant display of thankfulness. I am sorry if it appeared that I was laughing at you. I wasn't. I was enjoying the fact that I had indeed made someones day. I know it wasn't much, but if I had know you'd do a dance and praise the lord when I told you that "as long as your fines were below $10.00 you could check materials out. no, you don't have to pay anything today." I would have for sure said something sooner. I think you are the first person I've ever heard who said "oh thank you, Jesus. Praise Jesus! I was worried I wouldn't be able to get books or movies". That being said I'd like to thank you for paying $1.00 towards your fines. you've rocked out... absolutely.

You made my day,

Ripsy

Letter # 17

Dear Child Patron,

                    While I realize that it is cruelty to cut off your only source of fun by blocking your card from internet usage, I also realize that it's unmitigated stupidity to let you continue to use a card when you've shown no responsibility to return items you know are late thus incurring hefty fines that I know you yourself cannot pay. You can obviously bring yourself to the library so now it's time to learn about being a grown up. Grown ups have to pay fines and return books. If they don't, then guess what, their privileges get cut off.  It happens. Deal with it. Learn responsibility the hard way. c'est la vie.

Oh and by the way, talking to one of my co-workers and expecting a different response. Yeah, not gonna happen. Sorry.

Hope you've learned,

Ripsy

Letter # 16

Dear Patron,

                  Yes, I am super impressed that you're in the process of writing a book. What was that? You haven't started yet you're just thinking about it. Oh. How interesting. It's about Pontius Pilate: vampire? Really? Hrm. Well, that should be an educational subject.  I'm sure it's fascinating.  Now please, go tell that guy over there your theory. He looks like the type to read that sort of genre and he might be able to discuss in detail some ideas with you. 


           
Have fun,

Ripsy

P.S. Once you have your manuscript done, bring it in as proof, then I'll believe you can "write" a book.

A Letter from the Ref Desk #4

Dear Patron,

We have no fewer than 5 different items with the title of "Rose". No, the qualifier of "really thick" does not help me narrow it down!

Please come and see us again when you have more information,

Your Local Library Specialist

Letter # 15

Dear Patron,

                  It's called a library, not a liberry. If we were serving berries here then maybe I'd understand the whole mispronunciation, but at this point I really just think you're too stupid to say it properly. That was mean, yes. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry.  Please remember that the library is a place to educate yourself. When you leave you should have learned something... even linguistics. Mmm'kay?

Alright, now that you've been told the next time you come up to the desk and ask for a liberry card I'm going to tell you that you can get one at the gas station across the street.


You're welcome,

Ripsy

Letter # 14

Dear Patron,

                     Just so you're aware. I'm rarely wrong. Here however are the reasons you are.

1: never rush up to my desk and budge in line.
2: never yell at me and tell me to do things your way as my way is always better.
3: if I said I did something, I have. I have the receipt to prove it. You however have nothing.
4: when you threw a $10.00 at me and asked that $2.00 of it be put on your account and then ran away I assumed you didn't want the other $8.00 back. So thanks for the donation to the library fund.
5: rushing out of the library while yelling about how the customer is always right only proves that you're an idiot. Thank you, House M.D.

That being said I'd like to close with this. If you'd like to be treated with respect then stop being pushy and rude, as it will never work in your favor.

Thank you,

Ripsy

Letter # 13

Dear Patron,

                       There is such a thing as a stupid question. Let me give you some examples.

#1. Does your library have books?

#2. In a fight between an elephant and a cobra who would win? 

#3. If they fought in an elevator who would win?
#4. If Jesus played baseball would his team win every game?

answers --
#1. No, libraries never have books.
#2. The lion tamer would win.
#3. The elevator
#4. God is dead and we're alone. Haven't you heard?
.
Thank you for playing,

Ripsy