Letter # 14

Dear Patron,

                     Just so you're aware. I'm rarely wrong. Here however are the reasons you are.

1: never rush up to my desk and budge in line.
2: never yell at me and tell me to do things your way as my way is always better.
3: if I said I did something, I have. I have the receipt to prove it. You however have nothing.
4: when you threw a $10.00 at me and asked that $2.00 of it be put on your account and then ran away I assumed you didn't want the other $8.00 back. So thanks for the donation to the library fund.
5: rushing out of the library while yelling about how the customer is always right only proves that you're an idiot. Thank you, House M.D.

That being said I'd like to close with this. If you'd like to be treated with respect then stop being pushy and rude, as it will never work in your favor.

Thank you,

Ripsy

Letter # 13

Dear Patron,

                       There is such a thing as a stupid question. Let me give you some examples.

#1. Does your library have books?

#2. In a fight between an elephant and a cobra who would win? 

#3. If they fought in an elevator who would win?
#4. If Jesus played baseball would his team win every game?

answers --
#1. No, libraries never have books.
#2. The lion tamer would win.
#3. The elevator
#4. God is dead and we're alone. Haven't you heard?
.
Thank you for playing,

Ripsy

Letter # 12

Dear Patron,

                     For the love of god put on some deodorant, brush your grimy, molding teeth, bathe once in awhile and for pity sakes CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES! You can't expect to wear the same thing day after day for a month and not stink. I'd gladly donate some stuff from my closet if it meant you'd get your act together and be presentable before you come here.  Also, the elevator should not have to smell of putrid flesh when I get on it. There shouldn't be a lingering scent of body odor after you walk away from the desk. I shouldn't be able to smell your breath from clear across the counter. So, please, please, I'm begging you.  Clean yourself up.



Thank you,

Ripsy

letter # 11

Dear Patron,

           I would actually like to be nice today. I would like to thank you for making my day a little brighter. I would like to thank you for sharing your opinion on the latest book you read that you thought I might be interested in. I would like to thank you for having your card ready when you get up to the desk. For your patience while waiting in line. For paying your $500.67 fine without complaint. For being polite to me when you could tell it had been a rough day.
You are the reason I work here. You are the reason I keep working here. The library wouldn't be such a special and wonderful place if it didn't have people like you visiting it. Please continue to come back because to be honest I really appreciate you and though I don't always say so I also enjoy working for you.


In all Sincerity,

Ripsy

letter # 10

Dear Patron,

Little do you know how much I overhear. When you sit at the other side of my partition and you speak to your friends about various life problems, I listen. Do I want to? No, not particularly.  Not by a long shot. In fact I'd prefer not to be privy to the details of your sex life, your dating life, your various relationship problems. That being said here are my few bits of advice.

#1. if you think s/he has gonorrhea it's probably a good bet you shouldn't sleep with her/him
#2. if you dated them last year and they weren't very nice. it's probably a good bet you shouldn't date them now
#3. if you were thinking that position 214 in the Kama Sutra was a good thing to discuss at the library, out loud, while going into great detail. Well. you'd be wrong.
#4. dating the person your ex just broke up with is also not a good idea.
and finally please keep up --
#5. when you announce to your friends that you have an STD and then proceed to ask me out on a date... it's a guarantee I will say NO. just saying.

I hope you will keep all this in mind the next time you want to discuss something of such a personal matter. I'll thank you for not scarring my ears the next time you're in.


Most assuredly not yours,

Ripsy

Letter 9

Dear Patron,

                  While I appreciate having someone to talk to while I'm at the desk, busily trying to check in books and put holds away, what I'd really appreciate is not talking to you. Just standing at the desk creepily staring at me and then saying that you "want to watch me work" really doesn't a conversation make. Please walk away while I still have the patience to be polite. Besides you're blocking the desk from the patrons who really want to use the library.

Thank you and good day, sir.

Ripsy

Letter #8

Dear Patron,
I realize many of you are scum, and many of you have issues. I realize that for many of you who do have regular jobs and homes, it can be remarkably distasteful for you to have to deal with that on a regular basis. However I am not going to sit behind my desk and chitchat with you and trash-talk our more unfortunate among us. If you don't like this location, go somewhere else, I'm sure another can more efficiently cater t o your (very vocal) sensitivities. Some of us do not have much compassion here at the desk but we have even less compassion for those of you who cannot do anything but speak ill of those whose misfortunes are none of your concern(and you're clearly not interested in helping). If you want to say nasty things about a stereotype, don't try get me to join in. I may or may not agree with you but all you are going to get from me is a blank smile and an empty look as if you'd said "my the sky is still up there today!"

Thanks.
Miss Misanthropy

Letter #7

Dear patron,
I realize that you may not understand the difference between what you should have said, and what you said, so I'm going to recount what you said, then how the conversation ought to have gone.

What Was Said
"Excuse me, on third floor they told me that over here I could get some plastic bags to keep my paperwork from getting wet."
"That will be across the room over at the circulation desk, sir."
*Pregnant pause*
"Why is it that the men's key is always out and the women's is not?"
"I don't think about it."
"Do you think they do something sick in there...?"
"I don't know, and I don't care, I'm not a bathroom attendant."
"...how do you become a librarian?"
"Four years of undergrad, and two years of your masters in library science and information technology"
"All that and now you do *this*?"
"you could end up in any number of jobs, historical librarian, archival, here..."
"....and this is what you dreamed of as a little girl?"
"....Sir, I don't discuss my personal life here on the desk. Those plastic bags you asked for are over at the circulation desk."
"Sorry I was just making conversation!"
"Don't worry about it, but what you're looking for is at the other desk."
*Patron wanders off, gets about three feet with his back turned, thens tamps his foot and exclaims "I was trying to flirt with you! Damn damn damn!"*
*I stare.*

Five minutes later the gentleman returned.
"So, sorry about that earlier conversation."
"Don't worry about it, what can I help you with?"
"You're very courteous and polite."
*Insert long stare from me.* "Lots of practice."


What should have happened
"Ma'am, I was told on third floor that you have plastic bags down here I could use to keep my paperwork dry."
"That will be over at our circulation desk just across the room in the corner there."
"Oh okay, thank you!"
"Anything else I can help you with?"
"That's all, thank you!"


Please to be heeding this guideline in the future. Thank you.

Miss Misanthropy,
Library Assistant

Letter #6

Dear Patron,

                   No, I do not work out every day. I don't work out at all. My arms are just like that. No, I don't lift weights. No, you can't touch them. No, I won't flex for you. O_o  Have I heard that before? Yes, Yes, I have... the answer is still no.


Much obliged,

Ripsy

Letter #5

Dear Patron,


I loved your outfit today. The slicky pants that swished swished when you walked and the giant tear in the back of your shirt that showed off the copious amounts of back fur were quite the combo. I'm also incredibly thrilled that you want to buy me flowers and take me on a date. I'll be sure to dress appropriately.

Oh, and don't get me roses... they're not my favorite, thanks.

Sincerely Acrimoniously,

Ripsy

Letter #4

Dear patron(s),

It is a harsh, cruel world we live in that is full of injustice, yes. I realize that perhaps me not making small talk or answering personal questions that are often inappropriately phrased or poorly intended when I am not on the clock may upset your day. I realize that when I am on the clock I am friendly, thoughtful, careful and interested in what it is you are working on but I would very much like to point out that in a customer service capacity with that low of pay, the likelihood of me actually giving a good goddamn is miniscule. Infinitesimal . In truth, the very fact that you genuinely seem to think that I am that intensely interested in what it is you're doing or need help with is only the disgusting self-interest of a staff person who is horribly overworked, underpaid, and wishing they could buy more than ramen for their lunches so if you understand it the first time it is explained to you, you leave their desk the fuck alone. See, if I suck at my job, that means you keep coming back to my desk because you'll keep needing my help (not the goal of an overworked, underpaid employee). If I piss you off, I lose my job (also not the goal of an overworked, underpaid employee). If I do my job right and make you feel like you have had staff bend their poor backs over for you and make your day, you won't need to come back to my desk with multiple retarded questions! See? The world lies to you, it lies to you and when you catch me leaving work or around downtown and I stare blankly at you when you start to prattle about your new girlfriend, drug habit, or child-to-be, the facts are currently hitting you and spitting in your face.

So we come down to the real question here. Are you going to get lost and bitter over the idea that reality is not what you thought it was? Are you going to hate me for doing my job well? Or can we keep up this happy little facade and you just leave me alone when I'm not being paid to be nice to you? I beg of you, for your own sake and for mine, keep up the little facade and I will always be that wonderful smile behind the desk digging through the knee-high stack of picture books to find just the one your screaming child wants because you don't want to do it yourself.

Yours truly,
Miss Misanthropy
Library Assistant.

A Letter from the Ref Desk #3

Dear Patron,

Thank you so much for calling to admit that the item you were absolutely certain you had returned last November (the one that we have been looking for ever since) was in fact under the seat of your other sports car. We suspected as much all along, but appreciate you calling to let us know instead of just slipping it into the bookdrop in the dark of night as so many others do.

Sarcastically yours,

Your Local Library Specialist

A Letter from the Ref Desk #2

Dear Patron,


You say you want to know where the books on "diseases" are? Any specific disease? No, well here is an encyclopedia on various diseases...that won't work? Let me get this straight, you want detailed information and pictures for a presentation on an unspecified disease? Oh, you do have a specific disease in mind but you won't tell me what it is...that makes perfect sense. Let me get back to you, say sometime next year...

Keep in touch,

Your Local Library Specialist

A Letter from the Reference Desk...

Dear Patron,

No, I do not know which of several dozen tax forms you need to fill out. I do not work for the IRS, I work for the public library. We check out these wonderful things called 'books'...

Thank you for your understanding...

Your Local Library Specialist

Letter #3

Dear Patron,

Please refrain from storing your library card in the interior of your brassiere. As much as I believe in securing your card from the nefarious hands of others, I do not wish to soil my own hands with the gloss of your breast sweat.

Eternally cringing,

Clerk

Letter #2

Dear Patron,

Yes, it is unacceptable behavior to purposely urinate on our carpet. That being said please don't come back. 

Thank you,

Ripsy

Blog Numero Uno

My friends are much amused when I update my facebook status with letters to customers and they have told me to start a blog... so here it is in all its glory.

Letter Numero Uno:

Dear Patron,

No, I am not expecting a baby. Why would you ask that? Are you saying I look fat? I find it highly inappropriate for you to ask me that question. Plus it really makes me self conscious.

Thank you,

Ripsy