Dear Patron,
No, Moron, I will not watch your dirty nasty belongings. I will not keep them in the lost and found while you gallivant all over the city. It's your stuff, you watch it. I do not want flies crawling all over my back room. I do not want to trip over bags of things one wishes one had never seen. I do not want to take care of them and be responsible for them I do not get paid enough to do that for you. Sorry.
I'm sorry you feel that I'm not more humanitarian... get over it.
cranky in the city,
Ripsy
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Letter # 20
Dear Patron,
It has never ceased to amaze me the things that you will wear in public. Items ranging from fat baring t-shirts to the short shorts which also expose a bit of crack. Is there a particular reason you decide that these outfits are acceptable for public display? Did your mother tell you that your muffin top was attractive and you should show it to everyone you meet?
I often want to take pictures, print them and hand them to you just so you'll know how others see you. Not that it would dissuade you from making these choices, but perhaps it would give you an image of yourself that will forever be burned into your retinas.
I would also like to know when onesies became something adults wear. Is this a new fad that I was not aware of? Are you showing your hunting prowess by wearing one in camouflage? Are you trying to avoid having to tuck in your shirt, wear a belt, don suspenders? Why wear a onesie? One thing for sure this does not in any way make your more attractive to "smart" ladies. It does however make you look like an idiot. However, it also makes me laugh, shake my head and wonder, but laugh none the less.
That being said - please look in the mirror before you leave home. If you're showing
a) too much skin
b) crack of any hinder parts
c) rolls
d) or are wearing just an overall hideous outfit.
Please go home and change. We'd really like to show that people with some class frequent our establishment.
Much criticisms,
Ripsy
It has never ceased to amaze me the things that you will wear in public. Items ranging from fat baring t-shirts to the short shorts which also expose a bit of crack. Is there a particular reason you decide that these outfits are acceptable for public display? Did your mother tell you that your muffin top was attractive and you should show it to everyone you meet?
I often want to take pictures, print them and hand them to you just so you'll know how others see you. Not that it would dissuade you from making these choices, but perhaps it would give you an image of yourself that will forever be burned into your retinas.
I would also like to know when onesies became something adults wear. Is this a new fad that I was not aware of? Are you showing your hunting prowess by wearing one in camouflage? Are you trying to avoid having to tuck in your shirt, wear a belt, don suspenders? Why wear a onesie? One thing for sure this does not in any way make your more attractive to "smart" ladies. It does however make you look like an idiot. However, it also makes me laugh, shake my head and wonder, but laugh none the less.
That being said - please look in the mirror before you leave home. If you're showing
a) too much skin
b) crack of any hinder parts
c) rolls
d) or are wearing just an overall hideous outfit.
Please go home and change. We'd really like to show that people with some class frequent our establishment.
Much criticisms,
Ripsy
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Letter #19
Dear patron,
While I realize that you are in here every single day for most of the day, you somehow managed to get a volunteer position here in our building and you definitely know the ropes around this place...
1) Please do not talk over the top of me when I am speaking to another patron. Don't talk over, around, underneath, I don't care what input you have while I am speaking. If you have a useful suggestion or helpful comment, please wait until I am done, then speak up.
2) Because you're in here a lot, I have every reason to believe you know what the rules are, but for some reason there are a handful that seem to go directly over your head. I don't know how this is or why this is, but despite them being written and told to you in plain english (which I know you can speak, if not spell) you cannot grasp them. These rules include but are not limited to the following.
a) Do not yell across the room to get our attention. At best, we will ignore you. At worst, we will get pissed.
b) Do not interrupt staff
c) Do not monopolize a staff person's time. No matter how familiar we are with your enormous, eavesdropping face, we are not going to spend more time with you than others.
d) Simply because we've taken the time to walk you through how to do something, doesn't mean we want to sit and chat about whatever the hell it is you want to print out.
e) We will not do anything for you. If you want someone to do crap for you, hire them. If you want to learn how to do something, go to a library.
f) If I told you not to run because your morning speedwalk (likely the only exercise you get) has turned into a jog, don't drop down to a walk and then tell me you weren't running. I'm not blind, I'm not stupid, and despite all the high-friction jiggling going on there, I know the difference between speedwalking and jogging. You were jogging. If cute little kids aren't allowed to run, certainly you aren't.
g) Do not yell questions at staff from twenty to fifty feet away simply because you're too lazy to get off your ass and walk up to my desk. Sitting there going "HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY CAN YOU HELP ME? HEY. I HAVE A QUESTION. HEY. HEY. PSSSSSSSSSST. HEY. PSSST. PSSST. HEY. HOW DO YOU SPELL THE WORD 'YET'? HEY. PSSSSST," is not going to help your cause.
Try, for one moment, even a minute, remember that staff smiles and chats because we are being paid to give good customer service. We don't give a shit about who you are dating this time, whether he has a prosthetic, or how mean he is. This isn't a counseling session, we aren't therapists. If you would like a number for a hotline, a helpline, or the contact information for one? Absolutely, but unless you're about to fall over in front of our desk, it's not our problem and we don't care.
Sure, most of this is pretty petty. Honestly, it is. One of these issues, we're not going to give a shit about but the very fact that most days a combination of a minimum of 2-3 of these happen means we are going to run out of patience. One of these days, you are going to be yelling me from your computer and I'm going to stand up and you will hear every word in full, scathing voice of t his rant, delivered loud enough for everyone in the building to hear about and if you are lucky? I will only make you cry instead of abbreviating this rant with a hand grenade.
Miss Misanthropy,
Library Assistant
While I realize that you are in here every single day for most of the day, you somehow managed to get a volunteer position here in our building and you definitely know the ropes around this place...
1) Please do not talk over the top of me when I am speaking to another patron. Don't talk over, around, underneath, I don't care what input you have while I am speaking. If you have a useful suggestion or helpful comment, please wait until I am done, then speak up.
2) Because you're in here a lot, I have every reason to believe you know what the rules are, but for some reason there are a handful that seem to go directly over your head. I don't know how this is or why this is, but despite them being written and told to you in plain english (which I know you can speak, if not spell) you cannot grasp them. These rules include but are not limited to the following.
a) Do not yell across the room to get our attention. At best, we will ignore you. At worst, we will get pissed.
b) Do not interrupt staff
c) Do not monopolize a staff person's time. No matter how familiar we are with your enormous, eavesdropping face, we are not going to spend more time with you than others.
d) Simply because we've taken the time to walk you through how to do something, doesn't mean we want to sit and chat about whatever the hell it is you want to print out.
e) We will not do anything for you. If you want someone to do crap for you, hire them. If you want to learn how to do something, go to a library.
f) If I told you not to run because your morning speedwalk (likely the only exercise you get) has turned into a jog, don't drop down to a walk and then tell me you weren't running. I'm not blind, I'm not stupid, and despite all the high-friction jiggling going on there, I know the difference between speedwalking and jogging. You were jogging. If cute little kids aren't allowed to run, certainly you aren't.
g) Do not yell questions at staff from twenty to fifty feet away simply because you're too lazy to get off your ass and walk up to my desk. Sitting there going "HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY CAN YOU HELP ME? HEY. I HAVE A QUESTION. HEY. HEY. PSSSSSSSSSST. HEY. PSSST. PSSST. HEY. HOW DO YOU SPELL THE WORD 'YET'? HEY. PSSSSST," is not going to help your cause.
Try, for one moment, even a minute, remember that staff smiles and chats because we are being paid to give good customer service. We don't give a shit about who you are dating this time, whether he has a prosthetic, or how mean he is. This isn't a counseling session, we aren't therapists. If you would like a number for a hotline, a helpline, or the contact information for one? Absolutely, but unless you're about to fall over in front of our desk, it's not our problem and we don't care.
Sure, most of this is pretty petty. Honestly, it is. One of these issues, we're not going to give a shit about but the very fact that most days a combination of a minimum of 2-3 of these happen means we are going to run out of patience. One of these days, you are going to be yelling me from your computer and I'm going to stand up and you will hear every word in full, scathing voice of t his rant, delivered loud enough for everyone in the building to hear about and if you are lucky? I will only make you cry instead of abbreviating this rant with a hand grenade.
Miss Misanthropy,
Library Assistant
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Letter #18
Dear Hilarious Patron,
You have amused me greatly today with your exuberant display of thankfulness. I am sorry if it appeared that I was laughing at you. I wasn't. I was enjoying the fact that I had indeed made someones day. I know it wasn't much, but if I had know you'd do a dance and praise the lord when I told you that "as long as your fines were below $10.00 you could check materials out. no, you don't have to pay anything today." I would have for sure said something sooner. I think you are the first person I've ever heard who said "oh thank you, Jesus. Praise Jesus! I was worried I wouldn't be able to get books or movies". That being said I'd like to thank you for paying $1.00 towards your fines. you've rocked out... absolutely.
You made my day,
Ripsy
You have amused me greatly today with your exuberant display of thankfulness. I am sorry if it appeared that I was laughing at you. I wasn't. I was enjoying the fact that I had indeed made someones day. I know it wasn't much, but if I had know you'd do a dance and praise the lord when I told you that "as long as your fines were below $10.00 you could check materials out. no, you don't have to pay anything today." I would have for sure said something sooner. I think you are the first person I've ever heard who said "oh thank you, Jesus. Praise Jesus! I was worried I wouldn't be able to get books or movies". That being said I'd like to thank you for paying $1.00 towards your fines. you've rocked out... absolutely.
You made my day,
Ripsy
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Letter # 17
Dear Child Patron,
While I realize that it is cruelty to cut off your only source of fun by blocking your card from internet usage, I also realize that it's unmitigated stupidity to let you continue to use a card when you've shown no responsibility to return items you know are late thus incurring hefty fines that I know you yourself cannot pay. You can obviously bring yourself to the library so now it's time to learn about being a grown up. Grown ups have to pay fines and return books. If they don't, then guess what, their privileges get cut off. It happens. Deal with it. Learn responsibility the hard way. c'est la vie.
Oh and by the way, talking to one of my co-workers and expecting a different response. Yeah, not gonna happen. Sorry.
Hope you've learned,
Ripsy
While I realize that it is cruelty to cut off your only source of fun by blocking your card from internet usage, I also realize that it's unmitigated stupidity to let you continue to use a card when you've shown no responsibility to return items you know are late thus incurring hefty fines that I know you yourself cannot pay. You can obviously bring yourself to the library so now it's time to learn about being a grown up. Grown ups have to pay fines and return books. If they don't, then guess what, their privileges get cut off. It happens. Deal with it. Learn responsibility the hard way. c'est la vie.
Oh and by the way, talking to one of my co-workers and expecting a different response. Yeah, not gonna happen. Sorry.
Hope you've learned,
Ripsy
Monday, May 10, 2010
Letter # 16
Dear Patron,
Yes, I am super impressed that you're in the process of writing a book. What was that? You haven't started yet you're just thinking about it. Oh. How interesting. It's about Pontius Pilate: vampire? Really? Hrm. Well, that should be an educational subject. I'm sure it's fascinating. Now please, go tell that guy over there your theory. He looks like the type to read that sort of genre and he might be able to discuss in detail some ideas with you.
Have fun,
Ripsy
P.S. Once you have your manuscript done, bring it in as proof, then I'll believe you can "write" a book.
Yes, I am super impressed that you're in the process of writing a book. What was that? You haven't started yet you're just thinking about it. Oh. How interesting. It's about Pontius Pilate: vampire? Really? Hrm. Well, that should be an educational subject. I'm sure it's fascinating. Now please, go tell that guy over there your theory. He looks like the type to read that sort of genre and he might be able to discuss in detail some ideas with you.
Have fun,
Ripsy
P.S. Once you have your manuscript done, bring it in as proof, then I'll believe you can "write" a book.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
A Letter from the Ref Desk #4
Dear Patron,
We have no fewer than 5 different items with the title of "Rose". No, the qualifier of "really thick" does not help me narrow it down!
Please come and see us again when you have more information,
Your Local Library Specialist
We have no fewer than 5 different items with the title of "Rose". No, the qualifier of "really thick" does not help me narrow it down!
Please come and see us again when you have more information,
Your Local Library Specialist
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Letter # 15
Dear Patron,
It's called a library, not a liberry. If we were serving berries here then maybe I'd understand the whole mispronunciation, but at this point I really just think you're too stupid to say it properly. That was mean, yes. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry. Please remember that the library is a place to educate yourself. When you leave you should have learned something... even linguistics. Mmm'kay?
Alright, now that you've been told the next time you come up to the desk and ask for a liberry card I'm going to tell you that you can get one at the gas station across the street.
You're welcome,
Ripsy
It's called a library, not a liberry. If we were serving berries here then maybe I'd understand the whole mispronunciation, but at this point I really just think you're too stupid to say it properly. That was mean, yes. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry. Please remember that the library is a place to educate yourself. When you leave you should have learned something... even linguistics. Mmm'kay?
Alright, now that you've been told the next time you come up to the desk and ask for a liberry card I'm going to tell you that you can get one at the gas station across the street.
You're welcome,
Ripsy
Friday, April 30, 2010
Letter # 14
Dear Patron,
Just so you're aware. I'm rarely wrong. Here however are the reasons you are.
1: never rush up to my desk and budge in line.
2: never yell at me and tell me to do things your way as my way is always better.
3: if I said I did something, I have. I have the receipt to prove it. You however have nothing.
4: when you threw a $10.00 at me and asked that $2.00 of it be put on your account and then ran away I assumed you didn't want the other $8.00 back. So thanks for the donation to the library fund.
5: rushing out of the library while yelling about how the customer is always right only proves that you're an idiot. Thank you, House M.D.
That being said I'd like to close with this. If you'd like to be treated with respect then stop being pushy and rude, as it will never work in your favor.
Thank you,
Ripsy
Just so you're aware. I'm rarely wrong. Here however are the reasons you are.
1: never rush up to my desk and budge in line.
2: never yell at me and tell me to do things your way as my way is always better.
3: if I said I did something, I have. I have the receipt to prove it. You however have nothing.
4: when you threw a $10.00 at me and asked that $2.00 of it be put on your account and then ran away I assumed you didn't want the other $8.00 back. So thanks for the donation to the library fund.
5: rushing out of the library while yelling about how the customer is always right only proves that you're an idiot. Thank you, House M.D.
That being said I'd like to close with this. If you'd like to be treated with respect then stop being pushy and rude, as it will never work in your favor.
Thank you,
Ripsy
Letter # 13
Dear Patron,
There is such a thing as a stupid question. Let me give you some examples.
#1. Does your library have books?
#2. In a fight between an elephant and a cobra who would win?
#3. If they fought in an elevator who would win?
#4. If Jesus played baseball would his team win every game?
answers --
#1. No, libraries never have books.
#2. The lion tamer would win.
#3. The elevator
#4. God is dead and we're alone. Haven't you heard?
.
Thank you for playing,
Ripsy
There is such a thing as a stupid question. Let me give you some examples.
#1. Does your library have books?
#2. In a fight between an elephant and a cobra who would win?
#3. If they fought in an elevator who would win?
#4. If Jesus played baseball would his team win every game?
answers --
#1. No, libraries never have books.
#2. The lion tamer would win.
#3. The elevator
#4. God is dead and we're alone. Haven't you heard?
.
Thank you for playing,
Ripsy
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Letter # 12
Dear Patron,
For the love of god put on some deodorant, brush your grimy, molding teeth, bathe once in awhile and for pity sakes CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES! You can't expect to wear the same thing day after day for a month and not stink. I'd gladly donate some stuff from my closet if it meant you'd get your act together and be presentable before you come here. Also, the elevator should not have to smell of putrid flesh when I get on it. There shouldn't be a lingering scent of body odor after you walk away from the desk. I shouldn't be able to smell your breath from clear across the counter. So, please, please, I'm begging you. Clean yourself up.
Thank you,
Ripsy
For the love of god put on some deodorant, brush your grimy, molding teeth, bathe once in awhile and for pity sakes CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES! You can't expect to wear the same thing day after day for a month and not stink. I'd gladly donate some stuff from my closet if it meant you'd get your act together and be presentable before you come here. Also, the elevator should not have to smell of putrid flesh when I get on it. There shouldn't be a lingering scent of body odor after you walk away from the desk. I shouldn't be able to smell your breath from clear across the counter. So, please, please, I'm begging you. Clean yourself up.
Thank you,
Ripsy
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
letter # 11
Dear Patron,
I would actually like to be nice today. I would like to thank you for making my day a little brighter. I would like to thank you for sharing your opinion on the latest book you read that you thought I might be interested in. I would like to thank you for having your card ready when you get up to the desk. For your patience while waiting in line. For paying your $500.67 fine without complaint. For being polite to me when you could tell it had been a rough day.
You are the reason I work here. You are the reason I keep working here. The library wouldn't be such a special and wonderful place if it didn't have people like you visiting it. Please continue to come back because to be honest I really appreciate you and though I don't always say so I also enjoy working for you.
In all Sincerity,
Ripsy
I would actually like to be nice today. I would like to thank you for making my day a little brighter. I would like to thank you for sharing your opinion on the latest book you read that you thought I might be interested in. I would like to thank you for having your card ready when you get up to the desk. For your patience while waiting in line. For paying your $500.67 fine without complaint. For being polite to me when you could tell it had been a rough day.
You are the reason I work here. You are the reason I keep working here. The library wouldn't be such a special and wonderful place if it didn't have people like you visiting it. Please continue to come back because to be honest I really appreciate you and though I don't always say so I also enjoy working for you.
In all Sincerity,
Ripsy
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
letter # 10
Dear Patron,
Little do you know how much I overhear. When you sit at the other side of my partition and you speak to your friends about various life problems, I listen. Do I want to? No, not particularly. Not by a long shot. In fact I'd prefer not to be privy to the details of your sex life, your dating life, your various relationship problems. That being said here are my few bits of advice.
#1. if you think s/he has gonorrhea it's probably a good bet you shouldn't sleep with her/him
#2. if you dated them last year and they weren't very nice. it's probably a good bet you shouldn't date them now
#3. if you were thinking that position 214 in the Kama Sutra was a good thing to discuss at the library, out loud, while going into great detail. Well. you'd be wrong.
#4. dating the person your ex just broke up with is also not a good idea.
and finally please keep up --
#5. when you announce to your friends that you have an STD and then proceed to ask me out on a date... it's a guarantee I will say NO. just saying.
I hope you will keep all this in mind the next time you want to discuss something of such a personal matter. I'll thank you for not scarring my ears the next time you're in.
Most assuredly not yours,
Ripsy
Little do you know how much I overhear. When you sit at the other side of my partition and you speak to your friends about various life problems, I listen. Do I want to? No, not particularly. Not by a long shot. In fact I'd prefer not to be privy to the details of your sex life, your dating life, your various relationship problems. That being said here are my few bits of advice.
#1. if you think s/he has gonorrhea it's probably a good bet you shouldn't sleep with her/him
#2. if you dated them last year and they weren't very nice. it's probably a good bet you shouldn't date them now
#3. if you were thinking that position 214 in the Kama Sutra was a good thing to discuss at the library, out loud, while going into great detail. Well. you'd be wrong.
#4. dating the person your ex just broke up with is also not a good idea.
and finally please keep up --
#5. when you announce to your friends that you have an STD and then proceed to ask me out on a date... it's a guarantee I will say NO. just saying.
I hope you will keep all this in mind the next time you want to discuss something of such a personal matter. I'll thank you for not scarring my ears the next time you're in.
Most assuredly not yours,
Ripsy
Monday, April 26, 2010
Letter 9
Dear Patron,
While I appreciate having someone to talk to while I'm at the desk, busily trying to check in books and put holds away, what I'd really appreciate is not talking to you. Just standing at the desk creepily staring at me and then saying that you "want to watch me work" really doesn't a conversation make. Please walk away while I still have the patience to be polite. Besides you're blocking the desk from the patrons who really want to use the library.
Thank you and good day, sir.
Ripsy
While I appreciate having someone to talk to while I'm at the desk, busily trying to check in books and put holds away, what I'd really appreciate is not talking to you. Just standing at the desk creepily staring at me and then saying that you "want to watch me work" really doesn't a conversation make. Please walk away while I still have the patience to be polite. Besides you're blocking the desk from the patrons who really want to use the library.
Thank you and good day, sir.
Ripsy
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Letter #8
Dear Patron,
I realize many of you are scum, and many of you have issues. I realize that for many of you who do have regular jobs and homes, it can be remarkably distasteful for you to have to deal with that on a regular basis. However I am not going to sit behind my desk and chitchat with you and trash-talk our more unfortunate among us. If you don't like this location, go somewhere else, I'm sure another can more efficiently cater t o your (very vocal) sensitivities. Some of us do not have much compassion here at the desk but we have even less compassion for those of you who cannot do anything but speak ill of those whose misfortunes are none of your concern(and you're clearly not interested in helping). If you want to say nasty things about a stereotype, don't try get me to join in. I may or may not agree with you but all you are going to get from me is a blank smile and an empty look as if you'd said "my the sky is still up there today!"
Thanks.
Miss Misanthropy
I realize many of you are scum, and many of you have issues. I realize that for many of you who do have regular jobs and homes, it can be remarkably distasteful for you to have to deal with that on a regular basis. However I am not going to sit behind my desk and chitchat with you and trash-talk our more unfortunate among us. If you don't like this location, go somewhere else, I'm sure another can more efficiently cater t o your (very vocal) sensitivities. Some of us do not have much compassion here at the desk but we have even less compassion for those of you who cannot do anything but speak ill of those whose misfortunes are none of your concern(and you're clearly not interested in helping). If you want to say nasty things about a stereotype, don't try get me to join in. I may or may not agree with you but all you are going to get from me is a blank smile and an empty look as if you'd said "my the sky is still up there today!"
Thanks.
Miss Misanthropy
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Letter #7
Dear patron,
I realize that you may not understand the difference between what you should have said, and what you said, so I'm going to recount what you said, then how the conversation ought to have gone.
What Was Said
"Excuse me, on third floor they told me that over here I could get some plastic bags to keep my paperwork from getting wet."
"That will be across the room over at the circulation desk, sir."
*Pregnant pause*
"Why is it that the men's key is always out and the women's is not?"
"I don't think about it."
"Do you think they do something sick in there...?"
"I don't know, and I don't care, I'm not a bathroom attendant."
"...how do you become a librarian?"
"Four years of undergrad, and two years of your masters in library science and information technology"
"All that and now you do *this*?"
"you could end up in any number of jobs, historical librarian, archival, here..."
"....and this is what you dreamed of as a little girl?"
"....Sir, I don't discuss my personal life here on the desk. Those plastic bags you asked for are over at the circulation desk."
"Sorry I was just making conversation!"
"Don't worry about it, but what you're looking for is at the other desk."
*Patron wanders off, gets about three feet with his back turned, thens tamps his foot and exclaims "I was trying to flirt with you! Damn damn damn!"*
*I stare.*
Five minutes later the gentleman returned.
"So, sorry about that earlier conversation."
"Don't worry about it, what can I help you with?"
"You're very courteous and polite."
*Insert long stare from me.* "Lots of practice."
What should have happened
"Ma'am, I was told on third floor that you have plastic bags down here I could use to keep my paperwork dry."
"That will be over at our circulation desk just across the room in the corner there."
"Oh okay, thank you!"
"Anything else I can help you with?"
"That's all, thank you!"
Please to be heeding this guideline in the future. Thank you.
Miss Misanthropy,
Library Assistant
I realize that you may not understand the difference between what you should have said, and what you said, so I'm going to recount what you said, then how the conversation ought to have gone.
What Was Said
"Excuse me, on third floor they told me that over here I could get some plastic bags to keep my paperwork from getting wet."
"That will be across the room over at the circulation desk, sir."
*Pregnant pause*
"Why is it that the men's key is always out and the women's is not?"
"I don't think about it."
"Do you think they do something sick in there...?"
"I don't know, and I don't care, I'm not a bathroom attendant."
"...how do you become a librarian?"
"Four years of undergrad, and two years of your masters in library science and information technology"
"All that and now you do *this*?"
"you could end up in any number of jobs, historical librarian, archival, here..."
"....and this is what you dreamed of as a little girl?"
"....Sir, I don't discuss my personal life here on the desk. Those plastic bags you asked for are over at the circulation desk."
"Sorry I was just making conversation!"
"Don't worry about it, but what you're looking for is at the other desk."
*Patron wanders off, gets about three feet with his back turned, thens tamps his foot and exclaims "I was trying to flirt with you! Damn damn damn!"*
*I stare.*
Five minutes later the gentleman returned.
"So, sorry about that earlier conversation."
"Don't worry about it, what can I help you with?"
"You're very courteous and polite."
*Insert long stare from me.* "Lots of practice."
What should have happened
"Ma'am, I was told on third floor that you have plastic bags down here I could use to keep my paperwork dry."
"That will be over at our circulation desk just across the room in the corner there."
"Oh okay, thank you!"
"Anything else I can help you with?"
"That's all, thank you!"
Please to be heeding this guideline in the future. Thank you.
Miss Misanthropy,
Library Assistant
Letter #6
Dear Patron,
No, I do not work out every day. I don't work out at all. My arms are just like that. No, I don't lift weights. No, you can't touch them. No, I won't flex for you. O_o Have I heard that before? Yes, Yes, I have... the answer is still no.
Much obliged,
Ripsy
No, I do not work out every day. I don't work out at all. My arms are just like that. No, I don't lift weights. No, you can't touch them. No, I won't flex for you. O_o Have I heard that before? Yes, Yes, I have... the answer is still no.
Much obliged,
Ripsy
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Letter #5
Dear Patron,
I loved your outfit today. The slicky pants that swished swished when you walked and the giant tear in the back of your shirt that showed off the copious amounts of back fur were quite the combo. I'm also incredibly thrilled that you want to buy me flowers and take me on a date. I'll be sure to dress appropriately.
Oh, and don't get me roses... they're not my favorite, thanks.
Sincerely Acrimoniously,
Ripsy
I loved your outfit today. The slicky pants that swished swished when you walked and the giant tear in the back of your shirt that showed off the copious amounts of back fur were quite the combo. I'm also incredibly thrilled that you want to buy me flowers and take me on a date. I'll be sure to dress appropriately.
Oh, and don't get me roses... they're not my favorite, thanks.
Ripsy
Letter #4
Dear patron(s),
It is a harsh, cruel world we live in that is full of injustice, yes. I realize that perhaps me not making small talk or answering personal questions that are often inappropriately phrased or poorly intended when I am not on the clock may upset your day. I realize that when I am on the clock I am friendly, thoughtful, careful and interested in what it is you are working on but I would very much like to point out that in a customer service capacity with that low of pay, the likelihood of me actually giving a good goddamn is miniscule. Infinitesimal . In truth, the very fact that you genuinely seem to think that I am that intensely interested in what it is you're doing or need help with is only the disgusting self-interest of a staff person who is horribly overworked, underpaid, and wishing they could buy more than ramen for their lunches so if you understand it the first time it is explained to you, you leave their desk the fuck alone. See, if I suck at my job, that means you keep coming back to my desk because you'll keep needing my help (not the goal of an overworked, underpaid employee). If I piss you off, I lose my job (also not the goal of an overworked, underpaid employee). If I do my job right and make you feel like you have had staff bend their poor backs over for you and make your day, you won't need to come back to my desk with multiple retarded questions! See? The world lies to you, it lies to you and when you catch me leaving work or around downtown and I stare blankly at you when you start to prattle about your new girlfriend, drug habit, or child-to-be, the facts are currently hitting you and spitting in your face.
So we come down to the real question here. Are you going to get lost and bitter over the idea that reality is not what you thought it was? Are you going to hate me for doing my job well? Or can we keep up this happy little facade and you just leave me alone when I'm not being paid to be nice to you? I beg of you, for your own sake and for mine, keep up the little facade and I will always be that wonderful smile behind the desk digging through the knee-high stack of picture books to find just the one your screaming child wants because you don't want to do it yourself.
Yours truly,
Miss Misanthropy
Library Assistant.
A Letter from the Ref Desk #3
Dear Patron,
Thank you so much for calling to admit that the item you were absolutely certain you had returned last November (the one that we have been looking for ever since) was in fact under the seat of your other sports car. We suspected as much all along, but appreciate you calling to let us know instead of just slipping it into the bookdrop in the dark of night as so many others do.
Sarcastically yours,
Your Local Library Specialist
Thank you so much for calling to admit that the item you were absolutely certain you had returned last November (the one that we have been looking for ever since) was in fact under the seat of your other sports car. We suspected as much all along, but appreciate you calling to let us know instead of just slipping it into the bookdrop in the dark of night as so many others do.
Sarcastically yours,
Your Local Library Specialist
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
A Letter from the Ref Desk #2
Dear Patron,
You say you want to know where the books on "diseases" are? Any specific disease? No, well here is an encyclopedia on various diseases...that won't work? Let me get this straight, you want detailed information and pictures for a presentation on an unspecified disease? Oh, you do have a specific disease in mind but you won't tell me what it is...that makes perfect sense. Let me get back to you, say sometime next year...
Keep in touch,
Your Local Library Specialist
You say you want to know where the books on "diseases" are? Any specific disease? No, well here is an encyclopedia on various diseases...that won't work? Let me get this straight, you want detailed information and pictures for a presentation on an unspecified disease? Oh, you do have a specific disease in mind but you won't tell me what it is...that makes perfect sense. Let me get back to you, say sometime next year...
Keep in touch,
Your Local Library Specialist
A Letter from the Reference Desk...
Dear Patron,
No, I do not know which of several dozen tax forms you need to fill out. I do not work for the IRS, I work for the public library. We check out these wonderful things called 'books'...
Thank you for your understanding...
Your Local Library Specialist
No, I do not know which of several dozen tax forms you need to fill out. I do not work for the IRS, I work for the public library. We check out these wonderful things called 'books'...
Thank you for your understanding...
Your Local Library Specialist
Letter #3
Dear Patron,
Please refrain from storing your library card in the interior of your brassiere. As much as I believe in securing your card from the nefarious hands of others, I do not wish to soil my own hands with the gloss of your breast sweat.
Eternally cringing,
Clerk
Please refrain from storing your library card in the interior of your brassiere. As much as I believe in securing your card from the nefarious hands of others, I do not wish to soil my own hands with the gloss of your breast sweat.
Eternally cringing,
Clerk
Monday, April 12, 2010
Letter #2
Dear Patron,
Yes, it is unacceptable behavior to purposely urinate on our carpet. That being said please don't come back.
Thank you,
Ripsy
Blog Numero Uno
My friends are much amused when I update my facebook status with letters to customers and they have told me to start a blog... so here it is in all its glory.
Letter Numero Uno:
Dear Patron,
No, I am not expecting a baby. Why would you ask that? Are you saying I look fat? I find it highly inappropriate for you to ask me that question. Plus it really makes me self conscious.
Thank you,
Ripsy
Letter Numero Uno:
Dear Patron,
No, I am not expecting a baby. Why would you ask that? Are you saying I look fat? I find it highly inappropriate for you to ask me that question. Plus it really makes me self conscious.
Thank you,
Ripsy
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